A Sociopath's Guide to Rimworld06 Jun 2020 0
So, you’ve crash landed on a desolate rimworld and don’t know what to do. Well, let the Sociopath’s Guide lead you to salvation! First thing’s first in any crash landing scenario; Gather up your supplies. The ship’s food storage will have ruptured, gather up these packaged meals and get them and any delicate components somewhere sheltered immediately.
Then, gather up any weapons you/your fellow passengers snuck aboard the vessel. Grab any loose wood or steel and make some shelter and remember:
No-one is coming for you.
This isn’t an excuse to roll over and die to the first pirate that comes knocking, no. You’re going to read this guide and you’re going to live a life of luxury on this backwater bog/ desolate desert/ or crappy cave planet!
Note: If you have found yourself on an ice planet, please refer yourself to section 3F: Accepting Your Death.
Once you’ve cleaned up after the wreck you need to get yourself into a survive-able situation. Appropriately heated shelter, some form of food supply, a table to eat it off of, and a horseshoe pin outside for those long Aprimay days.
Now, it’s time to think about your plan. What? You don’t have one? You know, this is probably why you’re stuck on a rimworld in the first place…
Okay. Let’s go for something simple; a Millinery. People always need hats and with tribal and pirates destroying all the big settlements, it’s up to you to provide that service. But first thing’s first, you need to get yourself dug in. Something like this:
Still alive? Good! Now, for any good business, you need clients and these rimworld rubes want that old fashioned customer service. That means you’re gonna have to give them a bed for the night, some beer to buy, and some pool to play. Yes, it’s a hassle but you need them to want to come back if you’re going to get customers.
The other thing you need for a millinery are materials and what better way to get materials than to exploit local resources?
Pirates and tribal groups will have seen your crash and will come in droves to see what they can pillage. Unless you’re very unlucky, the first few raids will be quite weak. A couple of wandering neanderthals with clubs and bows or maybe a lone pirate with a pistol. Either way, deal with them and take them through to the 'production' room. Or as we like to call it, the 'Definitely Not A Cannibal Slaughterhouse' room.
The Meat of the Matter
Now, this is where you leave your outdated morals behind. There are going to be a lot more pirates than pigs and human leather is softer to the touch so let’s get chopping. You’ll want to refrigerate the meat, as we’re going to need that later.
Put the human leather in a stockpile where your guests can’t see it. They will get the wrong idea and will get very upset if they see your face pile. Pro-tip: don’t use any recognisable parts when making hats. Very few people want to see screaming Bob on their hat.
Saying that, bonus points if you wear the appropriate face-clothing whenever pirates or tribal attack. Nothing inspires fear more than seeing your enemy wearing grandma-galoshes or big-boss-boots.
Okay, so you’ve got your clothing market started but you also need to deal with the food problem. Thankfully people are packed full of protein so just shove them in the nutrient paste dispenser and enjoy the delicious* soylent green. So long as your guests never see how you make the green, they’ll never know. So, make sure you restrict their allowed areas properly.
Once your entrepreneurial spirit has been rewarded and you have had the chance to grow your operation, it’s time to improve the quality. Frozen human meat being made into nutrient paste is alright for a 2 star cannibal shack, but your MasterChef millinery deserves better! To that end, you need to make your meat fresh.
The raids will keep coming, this is Rimworld after all. And as news about your delicious meaty nutrient paste and excellent soft leather hats gets around, you can expect bigger and deadlier groups. You’ll need to up your defences. Litter the area around your millinery with traps and turret bunkers to prevent escapees keep your guests safe.
Take any survivors to your new detainment centre, patch up their wounds, and keep them fed. They will try to escape so keep a couple of turrets in the hall as a deterrent to the others.
Now just stock up the detainment centre after each raid and you’ll be on your way to a Michelin star in no time. Just remember to keep your kitchen clean, we wouldn’t want the guests to feel any discomfort!
Like all good things, yours too will come to an end. Eventually someone will recognise the sweet flavour of long pig or one of you will slip up and leave an eye on a top hat and they’ll try to leave. And you’ll have to kill them to prevent your secret getting out which will cause their faction to distrust you and the demand will dry up.
But never fear because if history has taught us anything it’s that a couple of entrepreneurial spirits with a cave full of skeletons can live rich, full lives without any outside interference! So, if you eventually find yourself ostracised by society and the only company you have are the human cattle people in your detainment centre, then just be glad that you had the opportunity to reach for the stars.
And hey, perhaps you could even start working on that spaceship and get off this god-forsaken rock. We here at Sawney and Co. would love to have you for dinner.
Q: What if my guests discover the production room?
A: Offer them a private tour, take them to the refrigerator if you have one and stab them in the neck.
Q: What if pirates kill one of my customers?
A: Such tragedies are unavoidable in the lawless wastes. Offer to “bury” the dearly departed.
Q: What if I don’t want to eat people?
A: Do your fellow colonists a favour and dig your own grave while you have the strength.
Q: Can’t I just hunt wild animals and make clothes out of them?
A: Wild animals are dangerous and are often an integral part of the eco-system. Killing large numbers of wild animals could lead to an eco-system collapse. Pirates and Tribal on the other hand will be attacking you anyway.
Q: Well, can’t I just grow cloth or devilstrand to make clothes?
A: Sure. Remember to send us a postcard from your delightful hippie commune and be sure to ask the raiders to sign it first!
This article was originally published in July 2018, and thus is representative of an older version of the game. The Hospitality Mod was used, which improves the visitor’s mechanic by allowing you to build guest houses, provide items that they can buy, and determine which areas they can and can’t go. You should check out our guide to the best Rimworld Mods for more ideas!